SEE Magazine
Copyright © 1998. All Rights Reserved.
CLOSET UNIVERSE
BY A.J. AXLINESo I opened the closet the other day and there was a wolf standing there.
"Wolf!" I cried.
Nobody came to help me. Typical.
"Pardon me," the wolf said in a regal, dignified voice, "but I bring a message from the animal kingdom."
"Wow," I said, surreptitiously tossing my half-eaten hoagie into the garbage can.
"We, that is to say we animals, are concerned about this extinction problem, as it applies to us animals, you see," the wolf said.
"Indeed," I replied, emptying my pockets of jerky and anything else that might smell appetizing.
"We have discovered that a species of animal is being made extinct every day. This, you understand, is rather distressing news," the wolf said.
"Well, of course," I responded as I pulled out a can of Wolf Repellent and liberally sprayed myself with it. It smelled of burning tires and not a little like Adam West.
"Therefore, a resolution has been passed by us animals, in which we have agreed amongst ourselves to raise the level of fatal attacks on human beings by five per cent," the wolf explained. "I'm certain that you understand this to be a reasonable, self-interested response, which will hopefully lead to a more caring and comprehensive relationship between our two societies."
"Five per cent seems fair," I agreed.
The wolf nodded and turned to go.
"Wait!" I yelled. The wolf turned back and looked at me expectantly. I clicked a remote control and soft music filled the room.
"Dance with me," I said quietly.
And so on.
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