SEE Magazine
Copyright © 1998. All Rights Reserved.
MY MESSY BEDROOM
BY JOSEY VOGELSDear Josey:
It would seem I have a problem. Well, at least my boyfriend of nine months thinks so . . . Our first argument was he always made the first moves and I didn't make him feel as if I wanted him.
I never really get the chance to do the "starting." I get home from work, we eat, then the next thing I know his hands are all over me . . . Every day it's the same. Shouldn't I get the chance to relax a few moments and at least try to feel a little sexy before throwing myself into passion? ... Don't get me wrong, I love sex with him. But he was used to these "Give it to me, give it to me, o-o-oh-h-h baby, let me swallow your load . . . " kind of women. I'm just not like that. Although I'd sometimes like to be - I wish I could be - I'm not able to throw myself into the act of Porn Queen. I think the problem is one part lack of imagination and two parts low self-esteem . . .
The point is that I don't want to fake wanting it or him. I'm not expecting to find some miracle "cure" that will put me on overdrive 24 hours a day, either. I want to be sexy in a way that won't repulse me or make me feel inadequate. I want to be sexy in a way that will bring him to his knees. I want to find a happy middle. Do you know if such a thing exists?
- Looking-for-the-middle
Dear Looking-for-the-middle:
Perhaps you could start by having the phrase, "quality, not quantity" tattooed on your boyfriend's wild Willy. You gotta wonder how much he can be really enjoying all the sex you're not into. In fact, after the tattoo, maybe he might want to invest in one of those blow-up dolls, 'cause that's all he seems to be using you for - a live masturbatory machine.
Ask him if he knows the difference between making love to you or with you. I've always found it to be a lot more fun with both of you present. As for becoming a "Baby, give it to me, I wanna swallow your load" Porn
Queen, please. If that's his idea of a woman really enjoying herself and getting into sex, revoke his XXX-video membership immediately. And do you honestly think your self-esteem is gauged by the intensity of your desire to "swallow his load?"
Now, tsk, tsking out of the way, lopsided libidos is probably one of the most common complaints in long-term relationships. Once you're past the initial stages where seeing your partner butter his toast is enough to turn you on, things get familiar and desire starts to feel like work. Pretty soon, you develop a very complex communication system around it. He touches you, you shrug him off, he rolls over. End of conversation.
At least that's the stereotype. He wants sex more than she does and she never takes the initiative. Then he stops taking the initiative, because she's never into it. Then you both lie there staring at the ceiling wondering what happened to all that good sex you used to have. Then you have affairs.
So what's the deal? Is it simply true that men just want it more? Anytime, anywhere? I suppose if I'd been told that all my life, I'd start to believe it too. Unfortunately, as a woman, I was raised to believe that I'm not supposed to really want it; I'm a good girl. Sex is for making babies.
As a result, I think for a lot of women, turning down sex often feels more natural than initiating it, whereas for a guy to turn down sex makes him feel like a freak. What would his buddies think? "She was all over me, but I didn't feel like it." Better to have mediocre sex than none at all. For her, on the other hand, maybe she'd rather hold off and have great sex, even if that means having it less often.
As for his complaint that you don't initiate and it makes him feel like you don't want him, try turning the tables. Say your boyfriend did give you "a few moments to at least try to feel a little sexy," then responded to your advances with, "Sorry, I'm tired, I'm not into it tonight." I'm sure you'd be hurt, probably even more so because guys are supposed to want it all the time. If he's not into it, it's hard not to feel like the Bride of Frankenstein. Kinda knocks the old ego around. Saying no to sex without hurting the other person's feelings is sensitive work.
That's because desire develops in our minds where it gets messed up with all the other stuff going on up there - egos, sexual histories, memories, stress, what's on TV . . . By the time desire makes its way through all that stuff and gets to your crotch, he's probably already in over his head (yeah, that one). Whoa doggy! Since you weren't ready when he got there, your immediate reaction is to turn off. Egos have a tendency to jump to conclusions and suddenly this resistance is about rejection of him, rather than perhaps a less-than-crystal-clear request from you for an alternative approach (showering you with affection with no strings attached doesn't hurt), a bit more patience (at least enough time to drum up a fantasy or two if need be), or, if necessary, a raincheck.
Your boyfriend may have a stronger sex drive than you (though I suspect it's more out of habit than real desire), but it's never gonna be much fun for him if he doesn't allow you to get in touch with the ups and down of yours. And, trust me, nothing brings a guy to his knees more than a woman who is in tune with her sexual desires.
You're ultimately responsible for your own pleasure, but he can certainly take the pressure off so you feel safe enough to give yourself permission to take it. Desire on command does not exist (unless that's part of the fun) and the only middle you will find if you start taking the initiative out of guilt rather than real desire will be the middle-of-the-road.
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